My curious, my interest gone!!!I feel stress, unhappy. Why?

It's been a week I start my intern. My company, is a beauty and hair company. With four staff here. For the first time I came, they were not so friendly. I had to follow my senior, from her she will order me what to do. After few weeks I friend with her, I can feel that she don't like me. This make make me sad. I don't have any conversation with her, except in works.  

And now I feel lost. My curious to be a journalist gone... I now doesn't expect to be one.. Why all this things will happen to me? Am I not suffer enough to all this? All the bad things 1 by 1 came to my life. What I should do? I really can't take it anymore. I feel so stress.. so angry about myself of being so unlucky. I should ashamed myself, of being so useless, so foolish. 

Everything came into my mind. I start to cry yesterday night. I was thinking back my form 6 time.. thinking of my grandma. I feel so sad thinking of here and blame myself of what I had done. I'm such a bad girl. I feel sorry and regret for treating her like this. I blame myself of everything.

For over the past 3 years, I still remember and feel sad about it. That day before she pass away, I was sitting for my trial exam. A phone rang early in the morning. I ask my mom what happen? She told me, the phone from the hospital saying that grandma is fine. I feel glad and went to sit my trial without worry. After that, around 4-5 pm, I reached home. 

From the moment I get down from the bus, I saw, a thing that I wish I din't see. The funeral that had in front of my house. I was stunned there, hoping.....'no, it not her, please'. I walk and saw my family there. I pretend nothing.. walk back to my house. I quickly go to washroom and taking my bath... crying inside the bathroom. My heart was like broken...I could not control my tears.. its dropping.. But the most thing that I feel angry is that my mom had lie to me. I ask my brother when she passed away.. and he told me early in the morning. I like why mom say different? He told me.. because you sitting for exam and they don wan you to worry about it. 

I feel shocked. I was like OMG... and tears start to  drop down. Why? I really feel sad and guilty that time because I did not see her for the last minute. And I'm blame myself of being so bad to her. What I can do now is nothing.. except missing her in my heart. 

Now, I do not know what to do. I told myself to try my best... study and be responsible on what I did. But, luck always not by my side. Whatever I do, seems not going well. Now, even my dream of being a journalist seems will disappear. Maybe it that I'm not suitable of be a journalist. Should I let it go? But, I can't.. I love to write.. going out everywhere. I doesn't wan to sit in the office.. I can die of cold. What I really want? Should I let go? I hope that God will give me some guide.. I really lost and don't know what to do. 

There is no meaning for me to live anymore. People live in happy, but I live in a lost world.