It's Time to Change

I do not know how to write.
I do not know what to write.
I do not know what I'm writing.
Am I losing interest in writing? What happen to me?

It about six months I have graduate. Am I jobless? Yes! For the past two months. And now, I'm working, is it a good new? Many people thinks that fresh grads are jobless and choosy to get a job. If a fresh grads already got a job, it means awesome! But what if the job is not your interest? Do you really like what you are doing now?

The answers is NO! I HATE MY JOB!

For the past few months I have been working, working in a industry that I do not know anything, not my interest at all. For the first time I start my job, I really think that I can love my job. I'm putting all my efforts on what I'm doing, but seems that my effort is not enough to satisfy my boss. What I'm doing is not right and keep scolding by her like a dog. Okay fine. I can 'tahan' of her because she is pregnant. But, it getting worse for the past two weeks. She keeps on asking me to do things that I really don't know and scolding my for not put more efforts to learn. Keeps telling me that 'I'm slow in work', ask me to work faster. I was so angry of myself hearing this. Blaming myself, why I'm not a supergirl with eight hands to 'faster' my work. She always compare my to another new girl, saying that she work more efficient than me. Of course she is efficient, she just doing 1 part of the job for the whole day. What she's doing is just calling the agents and ask them to pay the money. I also doing the same thing like her before she join our department, ( not only calling but also handling calls form the agents and also do frachaise work), but the lady boss says ' why you are doing this for the whole day? Am I hire you just to do this? Oh my, when I heard this, I was so angry and feel that she treat the new staff better than me.

I still remember, last two weeks, she had scolded my till my tear came out. I feel really upset that time. I do not know who I can talk to. I do not know what I'm suppose to do. Who are my friends? Who I can trust? Who are willing to listen to my words? I'm crying on the way going back home because I can't hold my tears. I was thinking why I'm the one?

After I had work for the past three months, I found myself lost interest in writing. I doesn't want to live like this. Everyday working the same thing and scolding by the boss. My emotions is getting worse, feel like wanna cry the whole time. Nowadays, whenever I saw my boss, I feel traumatic and scared, because I don't know when she is yelling at me.

I can feel that I'm losing my confident of what I'm doing.
I feel that I'm living in a world that scared of everything.
I don't even can smile like old days thinking of her.
My heart full with tears....

I was thinking to resign my job and start a new job. I wanted to continue my interest in writing and taking photography. I doesn't want to let go my interest so easily. I can't tahan being scold by her anymore.

The best way to build back myself is to gain back my confident.
I know what I should do.
I should become myself and gain back my confident.

I should not just only saying, but taking the first step is the most important part.


God Bless Me!

*I hope that one day, I can fulfill my dreams, to go around the world and taking photography of children smile.